Tuesday, 3 April 2012

Learning to live...........

My life has been going through some major ups and downs this past one year and I managed to stay positive through all that. Ofcourse, there were times when I felt like letting go and I was depressed beyond any consoling. I have this strange personality where I am  not very comfortable with telling people my inner most fears and feelings....I am not comfortable doing that even with my husband who is my best friend. Maybe it is because I don't want him to get anxious or sad. All these times I somewhat managed to remain positive.....no...."afloat" would be the correct word.

I was going through some emotional & physical problems and even my family was going through some emotional problems. I always tried and still try to give everyone hope and I am all about strength and saying positive things. I have heard that the biggest sorrow comes when you see your loved one suffering and whoever said that is quite right. I can withstand all my pains but feel helpless when my hands are tied down beyond a certain limit to help my loved one. I am not one to show too much affection or call someone up all the time to let them know that I love & care about them and in a way I used to think maybe I am much too hard hearted. Now I understand and accept that this is the way I am. But, I am always there for the people I love when they need me the most. I am more than happy to give my love, time and money for them. So, to see such a loved one getting so dejected with life because of all the emotional upheaval going on made me wonder......What can I do? Whatever I am doing, is it enough? How can I control my tortured mind?

I have not prayed in a long time. I have never prayed that much even when I was undergoing & I still am undergoing physical ailments.

I am not thinking about god now because I want something out of him or because I want him to perform some miracle just for me and my family. I know that the almighty has showered so many blessings on us even without asking. I cried my heart out couple of days back as it wrenched my heart and I felt an emptiness when I thought that my loved one may not be there with me to share my happiness & sadness all through different phases of my life. For the first time I cried and prayed my heart out to give me some hope, so that I can get out of this despair.

Previous year I thought of even closing down my beauty blog, as I came to a point where I started thinking....what is the point of all this?????? There is more to life than makeup or things that money can buy. Money can definitely buy happiness....but it lasts only for a short while. I started to think more spiritually. Lets face it, I am a modern woman of the 21st century and I am only in my late twenties and for me to start thinking spiritually so early in my life....it honestly sounds too much even to me. God has never told anyone to let go of anything that gives you happiness & pleasure as long as its not doing anything harmful to you or anyone around you. The lesson that I learned was I do love beauty and my blog but its just not the epitome of my life or my existence and the moment I realised that I understood that there is no need for me to shut down something I actually love. I just have to put a fence of reality around it thats all.

I have now turned to god because I need a friend, I know I can't see him but that doesn't mean he is not there. Seeing is believing but FEELING is also believing. I feel so much calm when I spend that extra time  for myself and my healing. It gives me so much peace.

I have seen people stop believing just because things are not going the way they planned. I have had things go my way when I was not praying and I am sure it will definitely continue its due course in my life as happiness and sadness are two sides of the same coin. But I never needed a friend when I was happy, I was content with myself. Now at this hour of need I just want him to console me, listen to my rantings just like a best friend would do. I am not trying to be religious as God is also with an atheist, the fact is sadly some people never realise the friend that they have by their side.

samo 'ham sarva-bhutesu
na me dvesyo 'sti na priyah
ye bhajanti tu mam bhaktya
mayi te tesu capy aham

(Bhagavad gita 9.29)


 I envy no one, nor am I partial to anyone. I am equal to all. But whoever renders service unto Me in devotion is a friend, is in Me, and I am also a friend to him.

In a psychological point of view people turn to God when their life is in chaos and YES my life is in chaos but I am content because he has given me such a beautiful & loving family and an unbreakable bond with my husband. Yes I am greedy and would love to ask for more but I want to elevate to a level where the supreme power, the almighty doesn't feel obliged to always do something good for me to think of him both in my happiness and sadness. What I need is a healing touch to my scarred mind and I am not going to let go till I get it.What I need is companionship for my clouded mind to set my perspectives straight.

I want to be like the young sage markandeya who wouldn't let go of the shiva linga not because I am fearful of more sorrows that might come my way but because I need someone to hold on to who will keep me steady both during my happiness and sadness and maybe with time he will help me to understand and teach me to balance both the good and bad that might come my way. As Lord krishna said

 man-mana bhava mad-bhakto
mad-yaji mam namaskuru
mam evaishyasi satyam te
pratijane priyo ’si me 

 (Bhagavad Gita 18.65)


 Always think of Me, become My devotee, worship Me and offer your homage unto Me. Thus you will come to Me without fail. I promise you this because you are My very dear friend.


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